Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm

Well we heard from the worker today and it wasn't at all what we expected. A lot of new twists have developed and we have to wait for them to play out. It seems as the name of our blog is rather fitting. If only for a short time...our days with this sweet boy may be numbered. My heart is absolutely breaking. I spoke to the worker today during my planning and I have been a mess since. We have been told so many promising things and it proves you just never know. What everyone expected did not play out and what was at least a 6 month placement could change to any day now.  It has been a very emotional afternoon and evening.
I truly want what is best for this sweet boy and I just have to trust. I have to trust that he is going somewhere where he will be loved, safe, and cared for. I have to trust that for whatever reason, we were not meant to be his forever parents. Even though we do not understand right now, this is part of God's plan.
I have so many different emotions and it's very difficult to sort through right now. I'm devastated, heartbroken, confused, frustrated, angry, scared but also very thankful. My heart is breaking thinking about not having this precious baby to snuggle and love. I'm confused and frustrated with the situation. I'm angry at what's happening and angry with the system. I'm scared for this baby and his life, I'm scared about how we will handle him leaving, I'm scared about how our families are going to deal with it.  I'm all of those emotions in one but I'm also thankful. At a time in this sweet baby's life where he may not have had the care he deserved, we were able to provide that for him.  I'm thankful that if only for a short time, we were chosen to be his parents. He has brought more joy and happiness to my  life than I  could have ever imagined.
The song that has played over and over in my head since the phone call is "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. The lyrics are very applicable to our situation and emotions right now. Here are the lyrics:

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

We know that God will give us the strength we need to endure the emotions we are experiencing. We love this boy so much and thank God for allowing us to love on him. We pray that he has the best life possible no matter where he is. 

Waiting...

What a day! A day full of anxiousness and waiting. We were hoping to hear about court but we have not. At this point, I'm telling myself no news is good news. Hopefully we hear something tomorrow so we do not spend the day wondering. So, for now we will continue to pray. 

We are snuggled up watching the UK game and just finished our bedtime stories. There is nothing better than coming home to love on this sweet boy!

Lord, I Need You

On Saturday, I left the boys at home and I went to get my hair cut. I immediately turned on the radio and started praying. I have been tested so much lately and it was nice to have my quiet time alone to just talk to God. One of my favorite songs is "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher and it sums up perfectly how I feel. This song came on and I immediately burst into tears. The chorus of the song says:

Lord, I need you, oh I need you

Every hour I need you

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God, how I need you

As I kept driving, I continued to cry. I wanted nothing more than for him to have a good visit and to come back ok. Well, that didn't happen. He came back with a tummy ache and extremely lethargic which was worrisome. I called the doctor yesterday and they said they wanted to see him first thing this morning. I took the day off and we packed the car this morning and headed to the doctor.  Since our morning routine was off, we listened to our worship songs in the car. Again, "Lord, I Need You" came on the radio. Once again, I was overcome with emotions. I know He hears my prayers and I know He knows how much I need Him. Without my faith, I would not have made it this far. I have been tested and tried more than I thought was possible in a month but my faith remains unshaken.

Court is this Thursday and I am already a nervous wreck. I have spent so much time in prayer and I just pray that whatever is best for this sweet little boy will happen. It's out of my control and I have to turn it over. We will love this little boy for as long as we have the opportunity to. He has blessed our lives more than I knew a precious baby could. I'm so thankful to be able to love on this sweet boy every day and to have wonderful husband by my side. 

We ask for your prayers as court approaches. We ask that God's will be done and that this sweet boy is loved and safe.

My stinkin' cute outfit today :)

Chunky Monkey

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted and our sweet boy is changing every day! We took him to the doctor on Monday for his one month check up. The doctor said he looks great! He weighed 9.7 pounds and was 21 inches long! He has gained 3.5 pounds in the month we have had him and has grown 1.5 inches! We have been told love grows baby….I think he's loved!
I had the opportunity to have a great conversation with birth mom which I am so thankful for.  I prayed for the opportunity and was surprised that it presented itself so quickly. All in God's time!
We were blessed with another snuggle day on Tuesday and we were so glad to have the day off. I don't know if we are ever going to make it when we have to work 5 days in a row! I love being home with my sweet boy and I love getting to love on him all day.
Our precious boy is starting to love his baths which is so much fun! He sprawls out and just takes it all in. He loves lotion! When I finish one leg he already has the other one sticking out of the blanket waiting! He's a tad bit spoiled. He has been sleeping great which we are beyond thankful for! I hope he doesn't make a liar out of me now.
We have a fun weekend plan and are looking forward to having him with us. We have family game night tomorrow night and a birthday surprise for our niece on Sunday. We are getting braver and taking him more places.
We continue to pray that whatever is best for him will happen. We will continue to love on this sweet boy for as long as we can!

 Sweet Feet

 Chunky Legs

Dimples on his hands :)

How Lucky Am I...

How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. --Winnie the Pooh

Wow was my immediate thought when reading this. Saying goodbye is absolutely miserable while dropping him off at the sitter's or visitation but this put a new perspective on things. There are so many people who do not have someone to love and care for and I am so blessed to have this precious boy to pour my heart into. He has filled a space in my heart that I never knew was empty.
While he brings me so much joy and happiness, my heart absolutely breaks for his birth mom. I don't know how she spends her time without him, her life story, or really how much responsibility she wants when it comes to caring for him but she still has feelings. To some extent, she has to miss him. Tyler and I were talking about how much he has changed and she misses all of that. She misses his smiles, his sweet noises, and all of the other amazing things he does daily. He knows our voices and reacts to us, not her. For now, we are the ones who are experiencing his "firsts." It truly makes me sad for her. We give her pictures and update her but it's nothing like experiencing it for yourself.
We made it to church today and it was wonderful! I couldn't ask for anything more than worshipping with this precious boy in my arms and my husband by my side. He was absolutely perfect and slept through the majority of the service. It was so nice to be back and it always helps to start our weeks off the right way. We are praying for an easy week and that our time with him be multiplied. I think we may have a full week of school so we are definitely going to be missing him.

Heart Breaker

Well we were blessed to start our week with another snow day. We spent the day snuggling and hanging out with our niece and precious baby boy. We even dressed for the occasion.

We both went back to work on Tuesday and I bragged because we actually made it to work earlier than we ever do. I will not brag again because by Thursday, we were lucky to even get out the door! Thursday was a crazy day full of meetings. I left one meeting to go to another and then another. I was excited to get home. It was sweet boy's one month birthday! It's hard to believe he is already a month old. He is growing and changing every day!
When I heard the possibility for snow day I secretly hoped for another snow day. I was bummed when I got up and had not gotten a call. I was feeding sweet boy and decided I would wait a little longer to shower and I sure am glad I did. We got the call that said we were closed! I told him that I got to stay home with him and he smiled. Yes, I know it could have been gas but I am pretty sure he was just happy to be home with me today! What more could we ask for on Valentine's Day? Again, we dressed for the occasion and he sure is a heart breaker!

We are praying for a calm night and that we are not going to need to pack up in the middle of the night. There is another visit tomorrow so we are praying for strength. Moments like these help me to remember that for right now, he is coming home with us.

Let It Shine

This sweet baby boy loves it when we play music and sing to him. Our daily concert includes You Are My Sunshine (his favorite), Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, He's Got the Whole World in His Hands and This Little Light of Mine.  This Little Light of Mine has really taken on a new meaning for Tyler and I. We are being tested over and over but we refuse to give in. Last weekend we had to pack up early and go to my moms because of no power, yesterday we had to pack up at 3 am and leave due to a strong propane smell in our house. Visit was extended to 3 hours which presented the usual issues. We have been trying for the past 2 weeks to get everyone to church but the weather hasn't cooperated. At this point, I would love to say you name it and it's happened but I'm terrified to say it! I told Tyler yesterday that I feel like Satan is trying to get us down, to break us, and to lead us astray but we won't let Satan blow it out, we're going to let it shine! We are mentally and physically exhausted  and it would be so easy for us  to just say forget it  but we refuse to have that attitude. Tyler and I spend a lot of time just talking about life and praying which I am incredibly thankful for. This morning we had worship songs on and  we were watching as our sweet boy did tummy time. I clicked on Facebook and  this was the first thing I saw. How appropriate!

There Is No "One Right Way"

After the craziness of Sunday we were blessed with another day off on Monday. On Monday, I received a frustrating phone call from the social worker that upset me more than it should have. Later that night I had a little meltdown, did my ugly cry, and snuggled up with Tyler. I couldn't sleep and found an article that was definitely meant for me to see. This paragraph really stuck out to me:
-I believe there is no "one right way." God calls each of us to seek him, to look for His wisdom to follow where he calls us by faith, and it will be a different story for each family, marriage, and individual mom or dad. To walk that uncertain line we must trust that God will be faithful to lead and guide us."-
Well that pretty much sums up our situation. We are creating a family in a different way than most people would choose but there is no "one right way." We were called to be foster parents and it has been one of the greatest blessings in our lives. Each day we wake up with this precious boy we are walking the uncertain line. If I had to describe foster care I would simply put ? I feel like I often have more questions than I do answers but we have complete trust and know God will lead us. It has already been an emotional roller coaster and this is just the beginning.
Yesterday was my first day back to school. It was great to see everyone and have tons of hugs from my kids but it was very difficult. I missed my pumpkin more than I thought I would. Visitation was canceled due to bad weather so I was thankful to be able to spend the whole night with him.
We filed his nails, took a bath, got a massage, read books, sang songs, and snuggled. Tyler and I had a delicious dinner while the baby slept and even got to play some games which we love to do. It was the perfect night! We were thankful to be in a warm house together and thankful for another snow day today.

Relaxing...

Holding Tyler's finger while we read our bedtime stories.

Crazy!

Well, yesterday was crazy to say the least. We had big plans of going to church and were all so excited. After the 5 o'clock feeding I was snuggling my sweet boy and the electric went out. We packed everything up as quickly as we could and went to my mom's house. It was over 3 hours until our electric came on so we were thankful for somewhere to go.
My sister and niece watched the little guy so Tyler and I could run to school to get some work finished in hopes we would have a snow day. It is looking promising that we will be out again! Woo hoo! I love my job but I sure do love being lazy and snuggling all day!
For some reason these early morning feedings really get to me. This morning I couldn't stop thinking about all the things we could do with our sweet boy as he got bigger. As I talked to him about places we would go, things we would do, and all of the opportunities he would have he had a big smile on his face. It makes me so happy to think about the possibilities but the uncertainty and chance he will leave us breaks my heart. Our prayer is that he is with people who will love him unconditionally, keep him safe, take him to church, pray with him, read to him, play with him, and to give him opportunities to be successful. If that means he goes home than we will have to trust that is the best place for him. This little guy has turned our world upside down and I can honestly say I have never been happier.
This is how my sweet boy napped today. He loves to be in nothing but a diaper but hates to be cold!

Preparing for the Week

Oh how I am dreading going back to work! I love my job but I absolutely love staying home with my sweet boy. Tyler and I are trying soak up every minute with him since we will be spending so much time away from him this week. Everyone is dreading the snow but we are secretly hoping we get it so we can stay home!
We have to go to the grocery for the first time since we got him :)  Pretzels have been the food of choice for us. We have another visitation today which I am dreading. Every time he has come back he has something wrong with either his tummy or breathing so I am back to being nervous all day. We pray before we drop him off and when we drop him off for his safety and count down the seconds until we get to bring him back home to us.
He is growing so much and getting a little chunky. We love seeing his chunky cheeks and his double chin.
Here are a few pictures from the last few days. He loves to listen to music and loves to read books. He listens better than our students do :)